We Love Downward Spiral Britney!

By now, y'all already know of our adoration of Batshit Crazy Whitney Houston, and by popular demand, we have decided to declare our love for Downward Spiral Britney. We love her so much, we want to shout it from the mountaintops. We want to hire an airplane to fly way high up in the sky and write a message reading "Trashy Britney, Will You Marry Us?" We want to pick up the phone and call in to the lite rock station late on Sunday night when they're doing their love song dedication hour, and ask if they'll play "I Will Always Love You" and dedicate it to Britney from Martha, Amy, and Lauren. So far, we've been able to restrain ourselves, but we don't know how much longer we'll be able to hold it in.

Now, Britney's not crazy like Whitney, she's just plain old white trash who's getting back to her banjo-pickin' roots. Somehow, that poor girl made her way OUT of moonshine-brewin', trailer livin' Louisiana all the way to Mickey Mouseketeer Land -- the epitome of wholesome smiles and rainbows and puppies and eternal virginity. And now, she is choosing to make the slow pilgrimage back from whence she came. And oh, what an entertaining voyage it is, at least for those of use standin' on the other side of the tracks, watching the slow and painful and glorious trainwreck that is Downward Spiral Britney.

Honesly, how can one person fall so far, so fast? And not in the "my manager stole all of my money and now I'm reduced to getting nothing but 2 cent residuals each time they play my one has-been hit on the 'rewind radio' show" way. No, in the "I'm still totally at the top of my career, but nobody has the good sense to tell me that there is a line (and not even a very fine line, at that) between sexy and just plain trashy and I'm far too dumb to figure it out my own damn self."

She started out so . . . pristine. Back then, her little Barbie doll self would have looked perfect riding around in that bubble-gum pink remote control Barbie convertible that Martha used to have when she was a kid (the one that Amy wanted when she was a kid and no one ever fucking bought it for her, ever).

Martha: "Put me in hooker boots and pigtails, and nobody would ever be able to tell the difference between me and Barbie!"

Amy: That's actually Madonna's Voodoo doll. "You will be reformed in my image! You will French kiss me on MTV! You will wear mismatched slutwear and fuck your backup dancers!"

Lauren: I like how the Barbie has Chrissy Snow ponytails.

Lauren: White Bread America!

Martha: "If I smile big enough and sell enough albums, maybe some day I could afford a boob job!"

Amy: I just want to punch her in her shiny blindingly white teeth. Blah.

Martha: Britney says, "My mommy let me put a few blonde highlights in my hair. I had to spend like three WEEKS begging her to let me, because she said it might make me look trashy. But I convinced her that a girl as sweet as me could NEVER look like trash!"

Lauren: Pre-Downward Spiral Britney hears her first curse word. "I...can't...hear you...la la la la...Jesus loves me, this I know..."

Amy: There's...something...different...about...her nose. Hmmm...ya think?

Then, she decided to make her act a little more "grown up." Okay, we realize that you can't stay a mouseketeer forever, but still. A little moderation is occasionaly a good thing. We're just sayin'.

Martha: I don't know how to put this delicately, but it looks like Britney needs to be wearing some more, um, supportive panties.

Lauren: During the sound check, Britney yells, "But do I look NAKED from back there? I mean, I want to look really really NAKED. And with SPARKLES!"

Amy: I remember watching this performance on MTV. I believe my exact words were: "The world is never fucking going to be rid of Britney Spears." And then I wept.

Amy: "Shit! These aren't silicone! They're balloons! And I'm floating away! Help!"

Martha: Remember that Judy Blume book "Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret?" where they do exercises and chant "we must, we must, we must increase our bust"? I'm about 98% sure that that's what Britney's doing here. And it seems to be working! Damn chant never worked for ME.

Lauren: Okay, now she looks like a Chrissy Snow ROBOT.

Martha: Britney gets down and dirty to the music while her backup dancer guy scans the newspaper to see if he can catch a matinee showing of "Dude, Where's My Car" after the show.

Amy: Either that or Britney's just having potty training trouble again.

Lauren: What's really scaring me about this picture are the floaty images of her backup dancers to either side of her. Are they really there? Are they ghosts? Ahhh!

We here at Snarkywood think that things really started to go downhill for Britney after she gave it up to Justin Timberlake. She was walking that fine line of virginy-cheerleader-turned-sort-of-sexy, then she lost out on the virginity thing and it threw her all off balance. She's like a walking ad for those abstinence programs. Look what could happen to you if you dare to Have Sex!

The first thing that happened after The Sex is that Britney seemingly just threw her hands up in the air and said "I give up on my skin care routine! Those bastards at Clinique aren't getting one more penny of my hard-earned money!"

Amy: I like how she managed to create a mohawk without having to shave a thing. (Ew. Great. Now I'm totally picturing her armpits. Nice one, Amy.)

Lauren: At least she doesn't have back acne.

Martha: It might help a bit with the acne if she actually WASHED OFF last night's makeup before going to bed. Because that? Is totally last night's eyeliner.

Amy: Those sunglasses make the baby Jesus cry.

Martha: Britney has time to get the French-tipped manicure, but not to brush her damn hair. Priorities, Britney -- priorities!

Lauren: Britney's all, "Hold up a sec. Have ya'll seen my jug marked XXX?"

Amy: "Fuck off, bitches. I gots me a bazillion pairs of sunglasses that are ALL this ugly."

Lauren: God bless her. Ten bucks says she's smoking Marlboro REDS. Or, Basics.

Martha: No way. I bet she's smoking Gitanes. Because that would make her CLASSY.

Next, Britney made a fatal mistake that is all too common in Hollywood these days -- she fell off the wagon and turned to THE HATS. You know that's when things are starting to get really bad.

Lauren: She looks like she just swallowed a little of her own vomit.

Martha: I'm almost positive that hat belongs to Ashton Kutcher.

Amy: I am trying to figure out what the hell is with that boiled wool Victorian overcoat thing she's wearing, but I cannot. My head hurts now. Also! Britney! Accessorize or something!

Martha: "I was supposed to be studying these algebra books last night, but instead I totally snuck out of the house and went to Vegas and eloped! Hee!"

Amy: The Must-Have Look For Fall: School Marm Shabby Chic!

Lauren: If you look closely at the picture, you can see a dude announcing her arrival: "Ladies and gentleman, Britney Spears is in the terminal." (thinking the microphone's off now) "I thought she WAS TERMINAL. Hahaha. I'm funny. And shit, did you see those BOOKS? Yeah right she reads those. Stupid celebrities."

Lauren: Man, she's really sucking down that cig. PACE YOURSELF, Britney! And I'm starting to get very tired of all her cabbie hats.

Martha: Britney uses her cigarette break to figure out where on Earth she's going to get a safety pin to fix the busted waistband on her fancy grass-stained track pants.

Amy: OK, so the potty training issues are worse than I thought.

Finally, Britney seemed to say "Ah, fuck it. Now that the world knows that my skin looks like shit and I'm totally trailer trash, I might as well give it all up and let on to the fact that I'm really a 45 year old woman who has to wear three inches of pancake makeup in order to look 'human.' I'm completing that downward spiral NOW. Stupid bastards will buy my albums no matter what.""

Amy: Britney reacts in horror as her entire future "Where Are They Now?" special on VH1 flashes before her eyes.

Martha: "If people find out that I'm really a drag queen, do you think that I can get work as a spokesperson for MAC cosmetics?"

Lauren: I'd like to know how she curves her lips like that in a freaky-wavy sorta way. Neat party trick!

Amy: "Help me! Clams are FUCKING EATING MY FACE! DO SOMETHING!"

Martha: "Oh GOD NO -- I just realized that I'm wearing a plaid hat with a striped shirt! I've committed my very first fashion faux paux!"

Lauren: Britney just tooted. No, too easy. Britney just learns she had yet another Las Vegas Drunken Stupid Shot Gun Wedding - and married Christina Aguilera!