Celine Dion -- Our Hate Will Go On

We snarks were talking and have come up with the Best. Idea. Ever. We're going to get together, rent a recording studio, try to muster up just a tiny bit of musical talent and put out an album of We Hate Celine Dion cover songs. Come on -- just TRY telling us that the world wouldn't line up to buy a CD with songs such as:

The Power of Hate
Hate Can Move Mountains
To Hate You More
Where Is The Hate
Because You Hated Me
Have You Ever Been In Hate
I Love You Then I Hate You
I Hate You Goodbye
Let's Talk About Hate
The Colour of My Hate
When I Fall In Hate
When The Wrong One Hates You Right

and, the grand finale:

My Hate Will Go On

Yeah, we know. Soon we shall be superstars. We will make millions, become Vegas Divas, and live the high life just like Celine. If we're really lucky, maybe we can marry our managers and become honorary French Canadian citizens! We've always wanted to be French Canadian! We could be all "voulez-vous" this and "merci beaucoup" that and eat baguettes all day and name our sons names like Rene-Charles or Jean-Claude! (Lauren: Personally, I'd name mine Pepe Le Pew in her honor.) (Amy: Hee. And also, I hate Celine.)

But as rich and successful as we may become, we fear that we will never be as pretty as the One True Celine. And that really hurts.

Martha: She's purposely TRYING to scare little babies, isn't she?

Lauren: Yo Mixmaster Dion in da HOUSE!

Amy: Dudes, you have GOT to hear the beatbox remix of "The Power of Love." Celine ROCKS.

Amy: ...and here we see Celine giving birth to her next child.

Martha: "Oh dear God, if I hear that song from Titanic one more time, I'm gonna hurl..."

Lauren: Look at me! I am French and cute! And I can make funny faces! I'm FUNNY!"

Martha: Celine stops to ponder her answer to the question of "Now, why is it exactly that people pay good money for your albums?"

Amy: "I am SO PISSED that they gave WILLIAM HUNG the Center Square instead of me. Will pout now."

Lauren: I think she's wondering if it's time to go a tad lighter with her Farrah Faucett hairdo.

Martha: Celine's attempt to remake her show into "Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Vegas" fails miserably.

Lauren: She's all, "This guy right here? He thinks I look cool. And he didn't even mention Star Trek during his compliment. If he were about thirty years older? I'd marry him."

Amy: Now would be the perfect time for someone to punch her in the face. It would so totally match and everything.

Lauren: Celine offers, "Come up and see me sometime, big boy."

Amy: "I know you hate me, but your girlfriend is totally going to make you dance to one of my songs at your wedding, Little Whipped Panty Boy."

Martha: That isn't Celine Dion -- that's Joan Cusack! But at least Joan Cusack is entertaining.

Martha: Celine folds her hands in solemn prayer: "Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, and I beg Thy forgiveness for these glasses which are a sin against nature."

Lauren: Celine has decided to try a new genre of music, and she's about to shoot a 70's disco video!

Amy: Celine clenches her hands in the universal gesture for "I Am Holding A Tampon But I'll Just Wrap My Hands Around It Unnaturally And No One Will Notice."

Lauren: This is the very moment in which her manager Rene fell in love with her. I mean, ANYBODY WOULD.

Martha: Hey -- that bitch stole my grandma's bathroom curtains and made a skirt out of them! It's not nice to steal from old ladies!

Amy: Now, let's not judge. I bet this whole outfit would totally make sense if we could only see her shoes.

Amy: "Christinnnna Aguilerrrra! I am the Ghost of Your Red Carpet Future!"

Martha: Isn't Celine a little bit OLD to be going to a toga party?

Lauren: No, no...she's going to a COSTUME party. As a skeleton! Christ almighty.

Martha: The woman in back looks on with disgust, thinking "Damn, Celine -- eat a piece of PIE or something."

Lauren: Wouldn't it be funny if her handbag was full of Twinkies and Ho Hos?

Amy: My mom has a quilted travel lingerie bag that looks JUST LIKE THAT.

Lauren: A little Oil of Olay would go a long way here.

Amy: "My hair is NOT as yellow as my dress. Now SHUT UP before I have you KILLED."

Martha: In her very first attempt to cross over from singer to actress, Celine gets the part of Wicked Witch of the West after just one reading!

Martha: I've just got to get the number of the stylist that told Celine that "Pat Benetar with a cheap-ass bottle of Miss Clairol" is a good look. Because I've only got seven months to perfect the April Fool's Day joke that I'm going to play on my mother!

Amy: Clearly Celine has entered her "I have more money than God so I don't really have to give a flying fuck anymore" stage.

Lauren: Celine feigns interest as she speaks with her audience. She just knows the next question will be "Is that old man your GRANDFATHER or your husband?"

Now, hold on to your seats, folks, because we've got some scary stuff that we're about to show you. Yes, it's Celine Dion FAN ART:

Lauren: I like the artist's vision here. Celine: half woman, half lion.

Amy: Quasimodo was not French Canadian, at least to my knowledge.

Martha: Whenever I meet a person with a wandering eye, I'm never sure which one I'm supposed to look at.

Martha: Celine will give you the stinkeye if you make fun of French Canadians. So just DON'T GO THERE.

Lauren: Okay, this is Celine? Because for a second there I thought we were looking at police sketches, and I was going to have to make a phone call. That woman looks like the bitch who stole my parking spot at the grocery store yesterday, when CLEARLY I had my blinker on and was supposed to get that spot!

Amy: Are those supposed to be her shoulders or a cape of some sort? And what's with the antenna?

Martha: The CelineHair Hotel: Hands go in, and they don't come out!

Lauren: Celine "vogues".

Amy: When I am famous I will hire former Navy SEALS to hunt down and kill anyone who draws fan art of me. So you know, don't try it.

Amy: This artist is very good at drawing pants, but that's about it.

Martha: That's not Celine -- that's PATSY from AbFab!

Lauren: No, it's not Patsy, it's Suzanne Sommers. A wildly disporportionate Suzanne Sommers, with a head very wee and an outstretched hand very huge.

We thought that Celine might be offended at this rather frightening "art," but when we ran into her at the dollar slots at Caesar's Palace and showed it all to her, her reaction was to wink, give us the thumbs-up sign, and shout "Right on!"

Well, right on to you too, Celine! Meanwhile, we're off to draw some fan art!